..:: Health Humor Archive ::..
Newfie Medical Dictionary

Newfies have the lowest stress rate. Maybe it's because they don't take medical terminology seriously.

Medical Term - Irish Definition

  • Artery - The study of paintings
  • Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
  • Barium - What doctors do when patients die
  • Benign - What you be, after you be eight
  • Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome
  • Cat scan - Searching for Kitty
  • Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
  • Colic - A sheep dog
  • Coma - A punctuation mark
  • Dilate - To live long
  • Enema - Not a friend
  • Fester - Quicker than someone else
  • Fibula - A small lie
  • Impotent - Distinguished, well known
  • Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work
  • Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
  • Morbid - A higher offer
  • Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
  • Normally more money than Days
  • Node - I knew it
  • Outpatient - A person who has fainted
  • Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
  • Post Operative - A letter carrier
  • Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
  • Rectum - Nearly killed him
  • Secretion - Hiding something
  • Seizure - Roman Emperorv
  • Tablet - A small table
  • Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport
  • Tumour - One plus one more
  • Urine - Opposite of you're out
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue.. and then you add eggs and sugar... and you get cake? Where did the glue go? NEED AN ANSWER? You know darned well where it went! That's what makes the cake... Stick to your BUTT
This woman walks into a pharmacy...

and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He asks "What for?"

She says "I want to kill my husband".

He says "Sorry, I can't do that."

She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her Husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

Doctor's Notes:

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -- I was in the wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald,San Antonio,TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes,Seattle,WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Dr. SusanSteinberg,Manitoba,Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous,Worcester,MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,Norfolk,VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson,Corvallis,OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Dr. LeonardKransdorf,Detroit,MI

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

andFinally . . .

A new, young MD doing his residency inOB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'." -- Dr. wouldn't admit his name

Doctor's Orders

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

“He said you're going to die," she replied.

Colostomy bag thief fails to click

A bungling thief who thought he had taken a valuable camera ended up with a case full of colostomy bags.

The burglar struck at the home of Kath Tozer in Penzance and ignored other valuables as he took the Kodak camera case and fled.

The case belonged to a state-of-the-art digital camera, but Mrs Tozer, 70, uses it to keep her travelling supply of colostomy bags which she uses because she is recovering from an operation to remove tumours.

She said: "The whole room was full of Christmas gifts for the grandchildren that were being wrapped and they left all those.

Funny side

"There was nothing else in there apart from the camera case with a load of colostomy bag dressings inside it and they took that. I was really angry and upset at first but now I can see the funny side Kath Tozer, theft victim"

Although we were upset to think somebody had been in our house we could see the funny side of it.

I was really angry and upset at first but now I can see the funny side

Kath Tozer, theft victim

"I hope that one day they will need those bags as much as I do now.

"I think it must have given them a nasty shock so they might think twice before coming in next time," she said.

Alan Mobbs of Devon and Cornwall Police said: "House burglaries can be very distressing for people, but I think in this case the thieves got what they deserved."

Scientific Beer Study

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should reconsider their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each within a one-hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned....

Hospital tells elderly men they're pregnant

LONDON, Jan 10 (Reuters) - A hospital admitted Thursday it mistakenly sent letters to 30 patients, including six elderly men, telling them they were pregnant.

They were sent by a computer system that automatically generates letters telling patients their operations have been postponed.

"The girl operating the system has simply chosen the wrong option. It's human error," a spokeswoman for the Chesterfield and North Derbyshire Royal Hospital said.

The computer letters include a "reason" selected by a staff member.

None of the surprised patients turned out to actually be expecting a baby, the spokeswoman said.

She said working practices had been changed to ensure the mistake would not be repeated. The patients concerned were still on waiting lists and would receive their operations as planned.

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