Newfie Medical Dictionary
Newfies have the lowest stress rate. Maybe it's because they don't take medical terminology seriously.
Medical Term - Irish Definition
- Artery - The study of paintings
- Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
- Barium - What doctors do when patients die
- Benign - What you be, after you be eight
- Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome
- Cat scan - Searching for Kitty
- Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
- Colic - A sheep dog
- Coma - A punctuation mark
- Dilate - To live long
- Enema - Not a friend
- Fester - Quicker than someone else
- Fibula - A small lie
- Impotent - Distinguished, well known
- Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work
- Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
- Morbid - A higher offer
- Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
- Normally more money than Days
- Node - I knew it
- Outpatient - A person who has fainted
- Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
- Post Operative - A letter carrier
- Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
- Rectum - Nearly killed him
- Secretion - Hiding something
- Seizure - Roman Emperorv
- Tablet - A small table
- Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport
- Tumour - One plus one more
- Urine - Opposite of you're out
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue..
and then you add eggs and sugar... and you get cake? Where
did the glue go? NEED AN ANSWER? You know darned well where
it went! That's what makes the cake... Stick to your BUTT
woman walks into a pharmacy...
asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
asks "What for?"
She says "I want to kill my husband".
He says "Sorry, I can't do that."
She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of
her Husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have
her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the
cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -- I was in
the wrong one.
Mark MacDonald,San Antonio,TX
the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big
breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the
day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to
the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal
was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and
began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the
20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even
read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing
there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard
to finish the exam.
a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch.
The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly
undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see... Yes,
the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions
include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Rebecca St. Clair,Norfolk,VA
acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion
she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband
was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil
packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman
with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting
a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis,
so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely
disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her
pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo
that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed,
the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
. . .
new, young MD doing his residency inOB was quite embarrassed
performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment
he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The
middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly
burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked
up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling
you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling
was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'." -- Dr. wouldn't
admit his name
woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress
disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will
morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an
especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores.
Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his
stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love
with your husband several times a week. If you can do this
for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will
regain his health completely."
the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor
said you're going to die," she replied.
bag thief fails to click
bungling thief who thought he had taken a valuable camera
ended up with a case full of colostomy bags.
burglar struck at the home of Kath Tozer in Penzance and ignored
other valuables as he took the Kodak camera case and fled.
case belonged to a state-of-the-art digital camera, but Mrs
Tozer, 70, uses it to keep her travelling supply of colostomy
bags which she uses because she is recovering from an operation
to remove tumours.
said: "The whole room was full of Christmas gifts for the
grandchildren that were being wrapped and they left all those.
was nothing else in there apart from the camera case with
a load of colostomy bag dressings inside it and they took
that. I was really angry and upset at first but now I can
see the funny side Kath Tozer, theft victim"
we were upset to think somebody had been in our house we could
see the funny side of it.
was really angry and upset at first but now I can see the
Tozer, theft victim
hope that one day they will need those bags as much as I do
think it must have given them a nasty shock so they might
think twice before coming in next time," she said.
Mobbs of Devon and Cornwall Police said: "House burglaries
can be very distressing for people, but I think in this case
the thieves got what they deserved."
scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of
female hormones in beer, men should reconsider their beer
theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To
test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each within
a one-hour period.
was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing
and refused to apologize when wrong.
further testing is planned....
tells elderly men they're pregnant
Jan 10 (Reuters) - A hospital admitted Thursday it mistakenly
sent letters to 30 patients, including six elderly men, telling
them they were pregnant.
were sent by a computer system that automatically generates
letters telling patients their operations have been postponed.
girl operating the system has simply chosen the wrong option.
It's human error," a spokeswoman for the Chesterfield and
North Derbyshire Royal Hospital said.
computer letters include a "reason" selected by a staff member.
of the surprised patients turned out to actually be expecting
a baby, the spokeswoman said.
said working practices had been changed to ensure the mistake
would not be repeated. The patients concerned were still on
waiting lists and would receive their operations as planned.